I am the secret rugby player and I am here to tell you that there is more to rugby than being ruggedly handsome and built like a brick sh*thouse.

 

This week, one of our most loveable Gryphons has been injured and needs an MRI on his shoulder. Obviously I’m ‘ard as nails and have played on two broken legs before, but unfortunately many of our players are big softies – of course most of them are from the South! Now, this isn’t very interesting you say? I didn’t say where he was going for an MRI…

 

As you know, rugby boys are renowned for their hulking frames and rippling muscles – this fellow is next level though. He is so big that there is no human MRI scanner big enough for him. This is no joke. This absolute mountain of a man is having to travel to Chester Zoo. That’s right, the machine he will be inside is normally used for MRI scans on gorillas. What a legend.

 

Now it’s about time I spoke about the gym. Being a rugby legend, I hit the gym hard about four, maybe five times a day. How much do I bench you ask? Just a modest 210kg, and I know you’re wondering if I squat… Obviously I need to fill my little shorts so of course I squat. 270kg, thanks for asking. If you’re hoping to catch my Herculean physique in the Edge this week, tough!

I use my own special gym downstairs (elite athletes only) and they have enough weights for me to lift, unlike upstairs. I went up there once and none of the weights were heavy enough for me, it was pathetic.

 

The word pathetic brings me to my next subject. I’d like to talk about Strength and Conditioning coach Nick Manning (AKA No Shorts Nick) and his training methods. Why would I ever take gym advice from someone who’s half my size and can’t even bench 40kg? Nick, if you’re reading this have you heard of a bicep curl? Besides, he seems to take much more of an interest in the female athletes in the gym; you can understand why he wears those Lycra shorts that leave little to the imagination (even though he has a tiny package).

 

Look out for next week’s instalment, and I’m sure you’ll see me on campus with my Charcos loyalty card, in shorts and flip flops (whatever the weather), looking at my arms in car windows, with my uni stash on and protein shaker in hand.