In Between the Lines: A Satirical View on Sport

 

 

 

 

With all the recent doping allegations that are ruining the reputation of sport, we must now ask ourselves whether it is really worth the time and money stopping performance enhancing drugs. If we embrace the gains that these substances can give the opportunities could be endless.

 

A pilot scheme for allowing drugs could be putting all banned athletes into a league of their own, one that celebrates the noble cause of athletic doping. There has already been a huge amount of interest in the world of cycling and Dwaine Chambers, from the world of running has registered his interest for a number of years.

 

 

Scientists have recently been trying to figure out the fastest possible 100m time that could be recorded. If we took the best 10m intervals from some of athletics biggest names we come out with a time of 9.4 seconds, consequently this is Bolt’s newest aim for a record. However with doping allowed in the Olympics, Bolt may well equal the records of Felix Baumgartner by breaking the sound barrier. If we allowed doping to progress unhindered by morality or law we could see these miraculous gains really happening.

 

 

In the Beijing Olympics we saw Oscar Pistorius being questioned as to whether his running blades might actually give him an advantage on the track. The verdict was that in any event less than or including 400m the additional spring provided by the blade was negligible. However this shows that it would be advantageous to be an amputee in any events above this. So the doping Olympics will of course make space for those souls brave and committed enough to take their limbs in the search for glory. Because after all isn’t that what doping shows, that you have the will and the commitment to do whatever it takes to beat your opponent.

 

 

There will always be those who say it is unnatural for a man to jump 12 metres and piss purple but they will forever be the losers. The drive to enhance ourselves is what fuels sport. I was once a weedy and pathetic man but then I decided it was time to take to the treadmill, the weights and the bike. It soon became apparent that this was not going to be good enough. So in came the proteins, the whey supplements and energy bars. From here it is only one short step to cross the line into illegal methods.

 

So where is the line? It is okay for me to artificially replace parts of my diet but it is ethically abhorrent for me to replace my legs with segeway wheels for some reason. Already there is great interest in a relaxing of the laws regarding what makes enhancements illegal. The hook has been a standard amputee’s friend for centuries and is part of our history as humans. It would serve perfectly as an addition to any boxers repertoire. Cross-species genetic engineering could yield unexpected fruit for sports. Think of the records we could break with a real herd of centaurs running the 100m. Certainly this would give the U.S. and their financial backers much success on the track.

 

In short, the addition of performance enhancing methods of any kind would be a welcome and spectacular addition to the Olympics. In 1988 International Olympic Committee president Juan Samaranch inspired the world by declaring we have seen people “fly like eagles”, it is my hope that very soon this can be a real possibility.

 

Author: Nick Gandy, Sports Editor