Halloween is truly amazing. Just like Christmas if you’re not a Christian, it’s one of the few days in the year that we get to celebrate about almost nothing whatsoever. Thanks to our rich and weird history we get bunting and pumpkins, copious partying, lots of sweets and chocolate, and of course the outfits. There’s a bit of Halloween for everyone.

You can make it the one day of the year that you unashamedly dress like a hoe – or, in light of the theme, a dead hoe. You can get almost the whole of both of your boobs out and claim it is due to your dedication to your outfit. If this is what you want, you can do it. If you’re male, you too can live out your deeply embedded fantasy of dressing up like a dead hoe, and all your friends will think you’re ‘banterous’.  Equally, it’s an excuse to dress in the ugliest, most unflattering, most inhuman ensemble that you can imagine. You, my friend, for this great night, have permission to look like an absolute arsehole, and take joy in strangers laughing openly. Last year I saw a guy literally dressed as a giant penis. He is exemplary.  Though not as hilarious, last year I did choose to go against the ‘being attractive in any way’ grain and dress as a zombie granny. An outfit that I have to admit was worryingly comprised of my own regularly worn clothes and some fake blood. I danced like a granny, walked and talked like a granny, and groped young men like the slightly more unusual type of granny (Don’t worry…only friends). And as a granny, I gave my last kit-kat to some trick or treating students- top night. Yes, you did hear right, trick or treaters at OUR AGE folks.

Trick-or treating is actually a social norm involving free sweets from strangers – how amazing is that? It is not only advisable but admirable to take advantage of this opportunity, especially at the age when you’re starting to appreciate that most people have to buy what they eat. Just make sure to notify your surrounding residential area that you will be appearing at their home asking for free treats and threatening to egg them otherwise. Responses are normally friendly. When you finally get onto your night out there is nothing but fun to be had; there is no way it will end badly. What if you’re thrown out of a club for being too drunk and you have to leave your friends? FIND NEW ONES. Clue for breaking the ice: How original/hilarious/clever their pumpkin outfit is. If you leave a party because it’s so awful? Walk 400 metres and they’ll be ANOTHER ONE! If you are fresh out of substances for intoxication – find someone who will GIVE you some! Instead of lowering your expectations for Halloween – heighten them! With enough determination a good night and a treacherous following morning will be had by all.