Picture this, it’s your first day back, or your first Fruity of the year, regardless of when it is you will inevitably encounter Film Guy. Film Guy might not necessarily even study film, but will regardless describe himself as a ‘connoisseur’. You could never be caught dead telling him how you consider Legally Blonde to be a cinematic masterpiece, so here’s your ultimate guide to the films he’ll ultimately just mansplain to you anyway.
- Joker, 2019
What isn’t there to say about Todd Phillips’ Joker? Poor, misunderstood Arthur Fleck is at the bottom of the societal heap until he embraces his quirky side (read, psychopathy) and transforms into the clown we all know. Joaquin Phoenix delivers the performance of a lifetime (mainly because this is probably the only film of his that Film Guy has seen), and when he says the line ‘we live in a society’, take note. You see, the true meaning of this line, which gave Film Guy an honorary philosophy degree after he thought about it, is so complex, but he can try to word it in a way your puny, non-Joker appreciating (despite the fact you’d told him you watched it in cinemas 10 minutes ago) mind can understand…
2. The Social Network, 2010
Film Guy doesn’t see why everyone is so up in arms about billionaires existing because ‘they earned their money’, so obviously a film about potential-lizard Mark Zuckerberg’s rise to success is right up his street. Without Facebook, Film Guy couldn’t submit his many Leedsfess’s that come off just a bit incel-like. If you really want to see him squirm, tell him how you can’t believe Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99 played Zuckerberg – Film Guys fall for this every time.
3. Scott Pilgrim vs the World, 2010
If you have hair dyed an unnatural colour and Film Guy doesn’t compare you to Ramona Flowers, it is some sort of heavenly miracle. The film that birthed the manic-pixie-dream-girl, Scott Pilgrim is what Film Guy imagines his life is like, complete with a cool girlfriend that would happily sit through him talking at them about how films were better ‘before’. Don’t ask when exactly ‘before’ is, because this guy has seen one film made before 1980, and unfortunately for you, it’s just Jaws.
4. Fight Club, 1999
We get it, the first rule of Fight Club is not to talk about Fight Club, but that doesn’t stop Film Guy from making this joke and then immediately contradicting himself by speaking about it so fast you can’t get a word in edgeways to be able to politely exit the conversation. Homoerotic undertones he hears you say? Impossible. If you tell Film Guy you’ve not seen this film, he’ll look at you like you’ve committed some sort of war crime, but lucky for him! This means he can tell you (with spoilers) what you’re missing out on, to the point where you know so much about the film there’s no point watching it anymore.
5. Any Marvel Film (just not one with a female lead)
To quote the infamous vine ‘four female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over!’ When Avengers: Endgame wasn’t nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, it was a robbery worse than, well, the previous year when Avengers: Infinity War wasn’t nominated. He will wax lyrically about the great influence of indie directors in mainstream cinema- see Taika Waititi’s Thor Ragnarök, a game-changing and character saving turn. Film Guy will see Black Widow when it comes out, but it just won’t be as good as the rest. For reasons he can’t disclose to you other than how he ‘just knows’, like some sort of comic-book film psychic. Don’t get him started on DC – one mention of Harley Quinn and he’ll be rolling his eyes so far back you’ll think he’s doing an impression of The Exorcist.
These are the bare bones of what makes you an acceptable person according to Film Guy. Or, you could go home, grab a snack, and watch the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde for the tenth time, because it really is just that good.
Image Credit: The Poke