Forget Boris, Gove, or Hunt: Larry Should Be The Next Prime Minister

Posted on by Phoebe Thompson

Given the difficulties, current Prime Minister Theresa May is having getting her Brexit bill through Parliament and a failed coup led by Jacob Rees-Mogg, talk of her successor is more rampant than ever. However, rumours are circulating that one contender for Britain’s Brexit negotiator has been left out in the cold. Forget Theresa, David, Stephen or even Boris. There is only one great Brit should have our future in their paws. His name is Larry, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office since February 2011. You probably already know him as the cat who gets a policeman to open the door of No. 10 for him (even though there must be a perfectly good cat flap round the back). But why should we trust Larry to execute the will of the people?

Well firstly he’s a cat, so if he decides he wants to leave, then wants to come back in a few minutes later, and then go back out again…. then he will and won’t pretend otherwise. That makes him fully in tune with our fickle public and politicians. Just imagine Larry at the negotiations table, slowly pushing each and every deal off the table in the way that only cats can. Michel Barnier may try to hold firm, but when Larry is mewling outside his bedroom door at 3 am, I’m sure his resolve will weaken.

But what about his background? Admittedly he’s neither Eton nor Oxford educated but he’s already proved himself a political bruiser. When austerity supremo Freya (George Osborne’s cat) attempted to join the cat cabinet in 2012, Larry initiated a successful campaign to have her evicted. Freya has lived in exile since 2014. The next territorial negotiations came in 2016 when Palmerston, a much younger cat, moved into the Foreign Office. Larry quickly established himself as the dominant power and demonstrates his experience at strong-arm diplomacy. There are hundreds of press photos of their, ahem, catfights online as proof of his endeavors.

It is rumoured that Larry became interested in the position after seeing leaked notes in which Jeremy Hunt described the outcome of Theresa May’s Brexit deal as turning the country into a ‘Turkey Trap’. When asked for further comment, Larry licked his lips. Of course, Larry also has a vested interest in the UK taking control of its fisheries post-Brexit. CANny-eyed viewers will have noted that Larry conveniently made himself center-stage during last week’s live news broadcast as the headline ‘Brexit Battle’ rolled. An excellent swipe at those European bureaucats attempting to hog the limelight.

Larry is truly a cat of the people given that his upkeep is funded by the staff of No. 10, he’s not on the payroll of any political party or corporate interests. He did not go to private school unlike many of our politicians so in the contemporary climate of rejecting experts and elites, a scrappy rehomed cat could be just what we’ve been waiting for. Besides, a rescue cat is literally what the UK needs at this point.  Although Cameron may have wielded the pooper scooper when he was in power, Larry was the only one who stayed to clean up the mess after Dave br-exited stage left humming a jaunty tune.

Concerns have been raised over cats’ historic lack of respect for borders or personal boundaries and Larry’s poor grasp of English – but I say we should trust him to implement the will of the people. He has been in his position longer than any other member of the Cabinet and far longer than any Brexit Secretary. Even his reported failings as a mouser, revealed by BBC Political Editor Laura Kuenssberg, should not be a bar to high office.

In fact, being guilty of overpromising and underdelivering means he should fit right in.

Phoebe Thompson

Main Image Credit: James Glossop – WPA Pool | Getty Images.