Episode 5

I didn’t enjoy this week’s episode. Up until now it had been fun to rant and bitch about the contestants who I deemed to be evil, safe in the knowledge that their souls were hollow and flimsy like a kinder egg, (I also have reason to believe that they contain tiny plastic figurines which make children choke). But this week the “Angel is annoying” storyline, and the “Abi’s really naff” angle, got ratcheted up a notch and I just ended up feeling sorry for both of them. Basically what I’m saying is that hating on Abi and Angel is just so mainstream now.

The lack of enthusiasm I felt for this instalment might also have been fuelled by the fact that I made my boyfriend watch it with me, hoping for some hilarious anecdotes. He watched about a minute of the show with an expression of pure distain before spending the next hour googling ice-cream-van jingles on his phone.

The first task was to stand awkwardly between two boards and have insults thrown at you by a small goblin-man with a camera. From my extensive knowledge of the modelling industry* (*Four episodes of BINTM), it seems that 80% of it is just being insulted by unattractive men. The task did, however, feature the utterly sincere commendation of ‘It was a brave choice to just do nothing’, from Elle, a lesson I will endeavour to live by for the rest of my life: ‘Great final dissertation, Jen. It was a brave choice to just do nothing’. In the bag. Thanks Elle.

The second photo shoot had the girls ruin some dresses by posing underwater. Laura did very badly, as having her eyes open meant she was without contact lenses, leaving her completely blind. Thus in her photo her eyes are staring blindly into the distance. (It was not taken into account that she was blind when she was criticised for looking like she was blind in her photo. Legit.) Sarah did her biggest cry of the series so far because she is terrified of water, but fought her fears and won Photo of the Week. An inspirational tale for all: absolutely anyone can overcome adversity and go on to be the best: provided they’re good-looking and what they’re trying to be the best at is being good-looking. A true underdog story.

Abi finally got kicked off this week, yet it felt like a hollow victory after watching her limp through the last couple of tasks. The vitriol I felt toward her has faded steadily as her one-on-one segments suggested that she was just a bit dim. At least she left with all her nice hair.

 

 Guesses for next week:

• With Abi gone, Tyson’s ill-disguised hatred has nowhere to vent. He is found naked, huddled in a corner, gnawing on a studded platform heel as his overflowing loathing reaches his brain

• Angel and Holly have a full-blown fight which includes glasses smashed over heads and chairs thrown across the room. It is the best television ever

• The clothes run out. There are no more clothes

• Sophie finally does something which warrants a mention

(The previous episode is reviewed here)

 

Words: Jennie Pritchard

Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model is on Sky Living at 9pm on Thursdays