Episode 4

So the big reveal of this week’s episode of BINTM is that Angel is really very annoying. Not only does she have a very irritating, airy giggle, but she also doesn’t do her washing up. As far as I’m concerned, there is no worse crime conceivable. No hyperbole. So rest-up Abi, this week I’ll go easy on you… Maybe.

The other big news of this week is that I now know who Jessica is! She’s the one with all the cool hair. And she’s lovely! Ah good old Jess, so down-to-earth, charming and friendly. She’s so normal, you feel like she could be your best friend. Oh I do love Jess, I sure hope nothing bad happens to her!

The tasks this week were essentially a selection of humiliating trials designed to see which girl would break first, providing Sky Living with its first ever footage of Hara-kiri committed with a pair of diamante louboutins. Fortunately, these contestants clearly have a higher tolerance for degradation than the average person, so lived to see another sunrise.

They were sent to world-famous designers Ben de Lisi and Daniel Lismore (no… me neither) to put on ugly dresses which were impossible to walk in, while being shouted at for not being able to walk in them. I’ve also come up with a handy tip for members of the fashion establishment: repeatedly shouting an abstract concept such as “strut” at a confused person will not make your instruction any clearer. It’s the equivalent of trying to train a cat by screaming “love!!” at it. They just won’t understand you. I know, I’ve tried *weeps*.

Naomi was congratulated on her ‘great nose’ by Ben de Lisi and Jess was given a mask to strut in by Daniel Lismore which was eerily similar to the one used by the murderer on last week’s Luther. I’m not worried however, for if Lismore were a serial killer, he’d be the most conspicuous and ridiculously dressed serial killer in the world, so at least you’d get a good chuckle before he strangled you.

Angel and Abi were told off for whispering and giggling while Emma got dressed, and Abi catastrophically wore a blue bra to a fitting, both of which offenses carry a penalty of instant dismissal in my book, but alas Angel went on to be one of the day’s winners. If only Tyra were here.

The second challenge saw the girls model topless on the beach at Camber Sands. Oh yeah, because when they do it it’s all tasteful and fine, but when I get my baps out at Pontins children start to cry and security is called. The horrifying double-standards of society are revealed.

Naomi and her great nose won the picture of the week because, as far as I can gather, she had the best sex-face on the boobs shoot. Go Naomi! Abi was in the bottom two once more. Surely it was her time for the chop? She wore a blue bra for god’s sake. A BLUE BRA! But no, it was lovely Jess. No! Jess, why?! I’d only just got to know you. I thought this bond would last forever! I should have seen it coming: Jess is like the friendly, innocent, reliable chap in Vietnam movies who you know will get caught and die in a bear-pit. So long Jess. I’m sorry it took so long for me to identify you.

 

Guesses for next week:

• Dannii somehow gets even smaller, and begins to speak in a funny gnome voice. Everyone carries on as normal

• Naomi’s nose gets its own Facebook page

• Jess continues to partake in the competition, avoiding the detection of the judges

• Sarah cries

(The previous episode is reviewed here. The next episode is here)

 

Words: Jennie Pritchard

Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model is on Sky Living at 9pm on Thursdays