Episode 3

Hooray! Another episode of BINTM. I choose to pronounce this acronym, not only because Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model is too long to say (or to even type… Cheeky Copy and Paste there), but because “bintim” sounds like a edgy new variation of “bitchin”, a word which is itself so edgy that it is used by no one but myself and 90’s stoners.

So this week is makeover week, meaning that all the girls got themselves some bintim new hairdos. That is, all of the girls except for Saffron and Abigail. Looks like I made the right choice in making Abi the Girl I Immediately Irrationally Despise! If you did too, have a cream cake to celebrate.

When the girls got to the salon it was revealed that Elle Macpherson has had her own empathy bangs cut in to ease the girls through this traumatic experience of being made to look even more attractive by having some hair cut off of their heads. I can understand why the girls were so terrified, I mean it’s not like hair grows ba… Oh wait, okay I checked with science and apparently hair DOES grow back. (So why is Sarah crying again? Oh, the mysteries of life.)

I love the week where they shear the models and make them cry because I am a jealous sadist and I have ugly hair but this week made Bintim history as Saffron and Abigail flatly REFUSED to have their hair cut. There was some whiney talk about “having a hair cut will ruin my confidence” from Saffron and “all my powers to control my army of demons and dark spirits resides in my hair” from Abi. But Elle was not impressed and unleashed a shit-storm of MacPHURY in the guise of a stern ticking off and a passive aggressive smile. It’s times like these that I long for Tyra.

Next it was the photo shoot which took the girls to a big posh house where they had to pose on a pummel horse next to Olympic gymnast Louis Smith. I didn’t really pay too much attention to what followed because I was distracted by Smith and his Platinum Buttocks magically floating around doing handstands in lycra as the models wobbled dangerously next to him. I was somewhat disappointed and surprised that the combination of Nervous Young Women + Pummel Horse + Stupidly High Heels +Louis Smith’s bum did not lead to any broken ankles. Maybe next week they’ll get them to do some parkour in stilettos and I’ll get my wish.

Anyway, during all this some people cried some more, including Emma, who I really like because she looks a bit like a beautiful Wallace and Gromit character. Lauren was as amazing as she always is and was awarded Shot of the Week. That girl is so painfully good at being model-ly, I don’t really know how the producers will continue to pretend there’s any sort of competition in the next few weeks but I will enjoy watching them try.

Ultimately, the bottom four girls were Abi, Saffron, Soul-Patch-Piercing-Laura (whose soul-patch piercing had been the most poignant victim of the makeover/ cull) and Danielle. As Saffron and Laura were saved, I was gleeful; surely Abi would be the one to go. But no, poor Danielle was for the chop. Perhaps there’s something more to Abi’s refusal to have a makeover; maybe her Samsonian power to survive an awful photo-shoot does lie in her hair.

Guesses for next week:

•  Emily worries some more about not being feminine or “a model-type” despite having entered a show named ‘Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model’.

• Lauren announces that she’s done with this shit and is picked up by Burberry for their A/W 2013 catwalk.

• We encounter a few more reasons to hate on Abi.

• I still fail to identify which one is Jessica.

(The previous episode is reviewed here. The next episode is here)

 

Words: Jennie Pritchard

Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model is on Sky Living at 9pm on Thursdays