Cover your eyes and plug your ears, a new Scary Movie is out in cinemas. The fifth instalment of this godforsaken franchise is now upon us, released like a plague of has-been D-list locusts. Here’s looking at you, Charlie Sheen. Following sequels like 2 Fast 2 Furious and Step Up 2 The Streets, it has the well original title Scary MoVie – cuz the letter V is, like, also the Roman numeral, and it’s super clever 2 substitute numbers 4 letters!

The film loosely follows the plot of Mama, the Del Toro produced horror released earlier this year, and makes half-arsed jibes at Inception and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Scary MoVie will be met with shrugs the world over, garnering the occasional laugh from some spotty tweenLAD who simply can’t get enough of cameo-star and convicted rapist Mike Tyson. One of the most aggravating things about the Scary Movie debacle is that it all started off rather well. The original parody of Scream (1996) was well written, carefully tongue-in-cheek and, most importantly, not wholly unfunny. Remember WAZZAAAAP?

So when did franchises really start to jump the shark? Or as in the absurd resurrection of Indiana Jones: when did the franchise nuke the fridge? It’s impossible to pinpoint an exact series, year or film that kickstarted the downturn, but what’s for sure is that the cinematic and creative side of the Franchise is on its deathbed, whispering “Rosebud” to an audience oblivious of the reference. And with upcoming instalments of Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean on the horizon, this doesn’t look like changing any time soon.

Of course it’s not all bad. J.J. Abrams now holds creative power over the rejuvenated Star Wars and Star Trek sagas. Abrams is a solid directorial choice who’s sure to please both sets of fans. But for Hollywood to redeem itself for years of soulless money making, the boardrooms should start to think about taking some major risks. It’s time to liven up franchises and throw curveballs into play. I propose asking relatively obscure arthouse directors to take the helm. If they haven’t even seen the franchise in question, all the better.

Imagine how good a Lynne Ramsay version of Resident Evil would be. I can see it now: Jafar Panahi does Spiderman, Béla Tarr directs Cars 3! Just think about it for a second. We could have a Werner Herzog rendition of James Bond. With a zombie Klaus Kinski in the eponymous lead, Herzog’s signature style of angst and action would fit perfectly within the nihilistic Bond universe. Feeling emasculated due to his frequent erectile dysfunction, 007 embarks on a chaotic existential rampage. Bond’s hostility towards the human race surfaces in an ugly murder of the entire royal family, and in the film’s climactic finale he is eaten by a grizzly bear. A long tracking shot reveals a bloodied Omega watch wedged in bear shit.

Dominic O’Key