This week, in an unashamed attempt to slim down before Valentine’s, I decided to try a diet of sorts. I was to become the man of every woman’s dreams by leaving behind the dark, devil-filled corridor of full-fat mayo and embarking on a new, light-filled path paved with Light Mayonnaise.
It was horrendous. When it comes down to it, can you really think of anything more morally abhorrent, more emotionally repulsive, more incompatible with the values of democracy, justice and freedom than the horror that is Light Mayonnaise? It is as if every war ever fought to establish the rights of mankind has been wasted as Hellman’s casts this disgusting, watery, misleading concoction of white-coloured death and misery into a small glass jar and forces it upon us.
In fact, once you’ve gotten to the stage where you’re eating Light Mayonnaise, why not just end it all? There is no value left in your life if all you can hope for when you get up in the morning is a half-baked hack at Mayonnaise on Weightwatchers’ Zero Calorie, Zero Taste Fifteen Seed Bread for your stomach-saving lunch. So then I figured; forget weight loss, since all other light products will invariably be just as anarchy-inducing as Light Mayonnaise. Be fat and happy.
Instead, I bought new pens, since a man is only as good as the pens he provides when asked for one to borrow. Believe me- pens are cigarettes for intellectuals. (Note- owning good pens and being a smoker are not mutually incompatible). I leant a girl to a pen and we had a conversation. A real, non-imaginary conversation (which I didn’t have to pay money for) with a real, non-imaginary girl.
Anyway, I thought this girl was lovely until she said “I went to HiFi on Wednesday and I didn’t really enjoy it”. That’s fairly sacrilegious but we’re not here to judge and nobody’s perfect, and a friend made is a friend made. Yet then, things really started to fall apart. “Have you been to Tiger Tiger on Tuesdays? It’s great.”
That was it. I could feel it inside of me. A horrible, inevitable feeling of nauseousness and anger so strong that all I could think about doing was verbally sicking all over her and her terrible nightclub. I bet she skipped a kebab after going to Tiger Tiger and ate Light Mayonnaise on Ryvita crackers. The imagery sickened me yet further. Any excuse would do. “I’m so sorry, I’ve just got a text saying one of our dogs has passed away and I need to call home to make sure she’s okay.” I don’t like dogs and my mother doesn’t understand texting, but lying was acceptable, given the circumstances.
But it got me thinking. There’s something that will really make you more attractive in time for Valentine’s. Not going to Tiger Tiger. Or eating Light Mayonnaise. Ever.