This is the Secret Rugby Player, our new column inspired by the Guardian’s Secret Footballer. Find out what life is really like in the University Rugby Team as our man reveals all on what goes on behind closed doors…

I am the secret rugby player, and I am here to tell you that there is more to rugby than being ruggedly handsome and built like a brick sh*thouse…  

Last week, we gave our Scottish members a chance to revel in their heritage – in the form of a Burns supper.  The Scots celebrate the life of Robert Burns, a renowned womaniser and drinker (he didn’t go through as many women or pints as I do in a night though).  

This gave Yorkshire’s most eligible bachelor and self-proclaimed BNOC James Munroe a chance to show off his skills on the bagpipes, and social secretary Will Murray-Uren was in his element as the keynote speaker.  So we all clad our pink ties and kilts to consume vast amounts of haggis and an even larger share of whisky. 

Now exactly what happened upstairs in the Oak I cannot divulge (what goes on tour stays on tour) but I can reveal what happened afterwards.  Our freshers partook in a riveting game of fives; the forfeit for the loser was not to drink, but the seniors had kindly agreed to support an all expenses paid holiday to Edinburgh to visit the capital of the home of Robert Burns.  So in fact, the loser became the winner as he enjoyed a delightful day trip to Scotland free of charge.  

So our young Harry Garner embarked on the journey of a lifetime.  Spending most of Thursday in Edinburgh he met with Mrs Munroe (who kindly donated some fantastic souvenirs for the young man to bring back to Yorkshire, most notably a new kilt) before setting back to Leeds by car with Murray-Uren’s brother.

Still in his social attire and Braveheart face paint from the Wednesday night, Mr Garner was not allowed home just yet.  Seeing as it was now Thursday evening, it was time to head to Tequila to see if his new kilt would entice the ladies.  By now news had travelled all across campus of this young Gryphon’s remarkable quest and the very generous man on the door gave Harry a ticket free of charge.  

What happened next? Harry knows you must never kiss and tell so here is where I’ll conclude this epic tale.  Look out for the second instalment next week, and I’m sure you’ll see me on campus with my Uni stash on and protein shaker in hand.