When I came to university I was seeing a girl, technically an ex, in a fairly emotionally sound set-up that involved mutual respect and, to me, a healthy level of emotional nourishment. When we came to university I presumed that although it was on a kind of hiatus, emotional feelings would remain. My strategy for overcoming this emotional hangover was not thinking about it and trying to make friends. Her strategy was sleeping with six other people. I am no expert on human relationships but I am fairly convinced that sleeping with six other people marks a relationship as “over”. I mean one you could get away with, and even two, if you are desperate (i.e. me), is forgivable. But I think once you’ve gotten to six the relationship ball is well and truly in the long grass.

So I have recently tried to emulate the success of seemingly everyone else in the world and find myself a partner. I was spurred on by a Jeremy Kyle episode involving two men, a woman, a child and three heroin addictions. “We’re in love” said, well, slurred, the woman, who appeared to have mislaid her teeth. How I wept as I realised a toothless heroin addict was in a sounder relationship than I was. It’s an extreme example, but they are everywhere, couples. I wanted to work in the Edward Boyle but I had to leave, blustering and depressed, as I saw a pair in matching jumpers slobber over each other in the Modern History section (you know who you are- your jumpers were as terrible as your kissing). Perhaps I am out of touch, but to me Viking history and studious silence do not exactly chime in the same sentence as “romantic date setting”.

My flatmates tried to spur me on, reminding me of, apparently, a girl who expressed interest in me. She said “you know the girl with the eyes” as if the majority of women I’ve met have been eyeless, and that eyes were therefore a memorable feature in a person. Can you imagine them playing Guess Who- “does yours have eyes”? I think she also had a mouth, and, if I recall correctly, two ears. I mean with a description like that who could forget her? Essentially it seems the song “head, shoulders, knees and toes” was not after all a song designed for teaching physiology to primary school children but a little-known love song describing the outstanding and unique features of my potential lover.

Having realised that perhaps I need to be more pro-active to attract women, I made a mental list of all the things I have that could be found potentially attractive. I have an insanely high Fruit Ninja score. I often floss my teeth and my dentist says my oral hygiene is “excellent”. I have four floral shirts.

So please ladies, hold yourselves.

On second thoughts, don’t hold yourselves.