Students. Etiquette. The two words don’t exactly fit together, but when it comes to the realm of clubbing, they totally should. Someone, somewhere really needs to sort out a code of conduct for clubbing behaviour, because on numerous occasions ASBO clubbers have turned my messy night into a messy night and they have probably done the same to you. I propose the following motion of club etiquette.
The first issue concerns that funky act of grinding. Grinding against people who are so smashed, they make your Otley Run seem as debauched as an Edwardian dinner party, is wrong on so many levels. Grabbing a complete stranger around their waist from behind and swaying in broad daylight would be considered beyond creepy, but in clubs the initiator and recipient somehow grin with as much sheer delight at sharing in this act as you would expect from someone who had been told that they had won shares in Nando’s. Grinding against your pals, however, is a crucial part of the process of bonding. The true hallmark of a close friendship is the ability to spank each other without feeling awkward. Never forget that!
Comedy dancing up to strangers is a bit of a contentious issue. Singling out just one person to stun with your self-proclaimed Jagger-esque dancefloor moves – which are actually more reminiscent of Will from The Inbetweeners – might be a little alarming. But, on the other hand, comedy dancing around couples who are getting it on is just so freaking funny. Try it next time you go out (if you’re feeling brave). Encircle an unsuspecting couple and booty shake to your heart’s content until the bewildered pair notice and decide to leave the vicinity immediately. I probably shouldn’t condone the behaviour of my friend – attempting to lick the ear of one guy while he was teaching his girl how to dougie…but a good dose of ‘dancing banter’ never harmed anyone.
I also must add: those people who go around creeping for ‘spare’ cigarettes in the smoking area really need to stop as there’s just no point. You hardly get given anything for free nowadays (apart from STI’s) and whilst a few vodka shots makes some people explode with comradeship, buying drinks everyone that heads their way, we’re students, we’re poor and so many of us don’t like sharing. Buying others drinks, though
, is much more acceptable in the world of student etiquette. Unless, of course, you’re buying someone a drink as a bargaining tool, expecting them to hang around and become your bedfellow – or carer – as the evening wears on, dependent upon how drunk you are. In which case, you’re acting with about as much etiquette as if you used his article to wipe your ass.
If everyone followed club etiquette, (night) life would be a much happier place for all. Less lechery, less cringey couples and more spanking of friends. Lovely.
Philippa May Plant, Second Year English Student and Observations Editor