There’s an incredible social pressure to enjoy your Freshers’ Week more than everybody else enjoys theirs (even if you’re not a Fresher), and this enjoyment is always measured relative to the number of photos that appear on social media. As such, you should aim to take as many photos as possible at all times. Photos range in quality from ‘low’: sensible photos of you and your flatmates- to ‘high’: photos in which you have your sick-strewn face buried in the chest of someone of the opposite gender. No photos at all of any quality equates to a fail of a Freshers’ Week. Not exactly cogito ergo sum so much as I take photos ergo sum.

In addition to taking photos, you should tweet, as frequently and aggressively as possible. To reinforce that you’re having a good time you can use hashtags such as “#lovefreshers” and to reinforce that your liver will eventually cost the NHS more than everyone else’s, use “#sodrunk”. For the men amongst us, using “#lads” and “#walkofshame” will let everyone know how fantastic your sexual prowess is, or perhaps you could ironically use the hashtag “#virgin” so that everyone is aware that not only are you a sex God, but that you are also hilarious and most of all, modest. To underline how already unable you are to budget at all, use “#broke” unless you’re in Devonshire or a swanky house when you can describe your Freshers’ spending as a “#dropintheocean”.

In our non-Devonshire- flat, however, Freshers’ spending (mostly, in an obligatory fashion, on vodka) has made us collectively realise that we are all now poor beyond our wildest dreams, so in preparation for the next three years, it’s advisable to start lowering your sights. Tomato sauce can be mixed in with boiling water to make soup, and if you break the little peanut butter cakes that you received as a freebie in half, that’s six days’ worth of breakfast. Why not have a Haribo a day from the little packet for desert? Delicious and nutritious. Another convenient way to save money is through straight-down-the-line refusing to pay your cab fare, though do be prepared for a good wrestle with the taxi driver afterwards. Of course in a way, all of this wild and highly competitive money saving is an inevitable and hilarious part of your Freshers’ Week experience.

So yes, ultimately, living off super-noodles and wrestling taxi drivers (doing it shirtless adds to the experience) are all an integral part of making Freshers’ what it is- all good fun. But remember, however much fun you had, you didn’t actually have fun unless there were photos. Unfortunately for me, however, photos are all the fun of a vasectomy performed with a carving knife, so I avoided them all week. This means that I missed Freshers’ Week completely. Did anybody else miss Freshers’ Week too?